Saturday, 16 August 2014

Needs vs. Neediness

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

I recently received the following request:

"Hi Dr. Paul -- I would be interested in an article that talks about having needs vs. being needy.

I was brought up to be ashamed of my needs. I was supposed to be self-sufficient. As a result, I am ashamed of neediness and often don't recognize my own needs. I also don't know how to tell if others are "being needy" or simply expressing a need.

What I am learning is that humans are INTER-dependent and everyone has needs that can only be filled by another person. One example is the Romanian orphans who were brain damaged because they were never held or touched. In order to be healthy I need others, because I can't hug myself.

So I can take care of myself, but I think my "self-sufficiency toolbox" isn't complete if I can't recognize valid needs, express them to others, and ask for help from them.

Please if you can, I would love an article that differentiates between being needy and having needs."

The woman asking this question is referring to emotional needs - needs beyond the basic physical needs such as food, water, air, shelter, and so on.

We do not thrive without love, so I consider love a basic need. Even though we might muddle through without love, I believe that many people get ill and die from a lack of love - dying of loneliness.

Most of us know that infants and small children need love to survive. Many babies have died or, as stated above, suffered brain damage, due to not being held with love. "Failure to thrive" is the term used when an infant dies due to not being held with love.

There are times when we need another to hold us and empathically help us through core pain such as heartache and grief. There are times when we are ill and need another to soothe us. This kind of loving care is a basic need.

The sharing of love is also a basic need. However, there is a huge difference between trying to get someone else to love us, and our need to share love.

We all need to learn to bring love to ourselves through our spiritual connection. It is only when we can fill ourselves up with the Source of Love that we have love to share. When are not taking responsibility for developing our spiritual connection and learning to fill ourselves up with love, then we become needy.

When someone is not taking responsibility for their own feelings and pulling on others for attention and approval, they are being needy. You know they are being needy because it feels like they are draining you rather than sharing with you. You know you are being needy when you feel empty inside and upset with others when you don't get what you want from them.

Part of taking loving care of ourselves is to recognize our need to share love and reach out to others who also want to share love. But asking for help from an empty place, hoping that another person will fill you up and make you feel worthy and safe, is needy. We are needy when we emotionally abandon ourselves and expect others to give us what we are not giving to ourselves. We are legitimately asking to have a need met when we reach out to others to share love, or to receive the help we might need to heal. Our need to share love can only be met by another person.

The difference between need and needy is mostly about energy. We are needy when we are empty because we have abandoned ourselves by not taking responsibility for our own feelings. We are expressing a need when we are taking loving care of ourselves and sharing our love with others, or reaching out for legitimate help. While the actions of need and neediness may look the same, then energy behind the actions are completely different.

About The Author
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding process - featured on Oprah. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding course: and visit our website at for more articles and help. Phone Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!

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Saturday, 9 August 2014

How To Set Your Own Agenda

By Jed McCall

Living in the hustle and bustle of modern living can be difficult even confusing at times. We are often in so much of a rush to get things done that a day passes by in the wink of an eye. There are so many things outside of our control that it can seem like we don't have much of a say in the running of our own lives.

When we are not following orders at work, we are coping with a variety of different reliance's such as relying on public transport, relying on public services, relying on friends or family. Wouldn't it be nice to be feel self reliant about everything for a change? Well, the truth is that this is not possible because we are reliant on others to an extent, that's just how the world works.

What we can do is to take stock of our current position and assess how happy we are with it. If you feel like you are caught up in the rat race but can't think of a way out, then do not despair; for there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Through a process of self-empowerment you can wrestle back more control over your life than you thought possible. Becoming more than you are at present means not accepting second best from your-self. In order for you to do this, you need to learn as much about yourself as possible from your desires, motivations and values.

The art of introspection has been recognised as useful for countless generations of thinkers. The earliest proponents of self-improvement had the wisdom to know that true change comes from within. Self-awareness is the process of understanding everything about yourself - warts and all.

Try this little exercise to begin with to understand a little more about yourself: Take a piece of paper and a pen and find a quiet room somewhere. Now draw a spidergram with yourself in the centre and all the branches coming out representing different part of your life ; for instance, job, personal life, money situation, overall happiness etc. Now rate your levels of contentment with each one of these things on a scale of 1-5. Look at the results and see what you have found. What you have done is to draw a mental map of your current happiness with life from which you can draw up an action plan. This mental map of yours is the foundation stone of your self-improvement. It is time for you to take this information and turn it into positive action.

Agenda setting is all about having a clear goal in mind. If your agenda is to take control over a certain part of your life, it's necessary to develop an action plan to tackle it. Let's use the example of financial insecurity to test this theory. Imagine that in your mental map you realise that a lack of control over your finances is at the root of most of your anxieties. Well, you have identified a problem now let's deal with it.

Your action plan should include things such as a list of all your monthly outgoings, a list of all your income and a list of necessities. However, you also have to think about what you could sacrifice in order to get your finances back in check. Honesty is essential for any form of self-improvement. If you have unrealistic expectations, do not expect to make any headway in improving yourself. Of course, if you are unhappy with having to make sacrifices, you can use you unhappiness as a drive to getting you another job or promotion that will enable you to afford them.

That is the great thing with asserting control over your life : agenda setting provides you with so many unexpected benefits in other areas of your life that you quickly gain confidence to tackle all things you are unhappy about.

About The Author
Many years of struggle to overcome negative thought patterns and achieve success in personal and financial life has opened my mind to others in the same or similar situations, to many of us have spent to long in the success wilderness.

Take a look at what is on offer and remember to get your no cost package of amazing tools to assist you.


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Saturday, 2 August 2014

How Your Attitude Can Impact Your Life

By Kimberley Cohen

Why is it that some people can look on the bright side of things while others seem to be stuck in perpetuating negative thoughts, anxiety, doubts, and situations and they they have a difficult time seeing the positive or give up before they even try?

What separates the two types of people isn't the person or the situation, but rather their way of thinking.

Your attitude has everything to do with your creativity, happiness, and love.

Viktor Frankl said, "The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given circumstance". This quote from a man who found meaning in extreme conditions in a concentration camp.

On the outside of the concentration camp it read, "Abandon all hope ye who enter here".

Just reading those words might make a person fearful and lose hope, yet Viktor Frankl was able to experience freedom - freedom to choose one's attitude and spiritual well being.

Wow...that's quite an attitude, wouldn't you say?

So how does a person adopt a mind set of positivity and hope when faced with uncertainties?

By choosing it.

By maintaining an unwavering inner strength.

By not giving up, and holding onto love, faith, and hope.

By tuning in, instead of out.

By having a positive outlook even when things seem negative.

By taking responsibility for how you are seeing things through.

By recognizing how your thoughts are impacting your life.

Easier said than done? Yes, sometimes it is. It takes determination and commitment to keep your ego in check.

Continuing to gain more awareness of the thoughts and beliefs, actions and reactions that you are choosing to have.

Gaining an understanding that you and only you are responsible for not only how you handle life's ups and downs, but what you do with them.

Life has this wonderful way of waking us up to what needs our friendship, attention, healing and most importantly, our love.

Love is without a doubt the answer to all problems and questions. It is the solution.

Read this a couple of times. Do you feel any resistance with this?

Developing an attitude of love instead of judgment and hate takes time.

Being careful and carefree, instead of calculated and careless, requires your attention.

Begin to take notice of what and whom you judge. It can be your body, your emotions, your friends, family, co-workers, or situations.

When you recognize this, you can begin to change your attitude towards it.

You can begin to clear the way and open your mind's eye to elevated thinking and being.

The choice of how you view the world and live and love within it is yours.

Sometimes it might seem like you've lost your direction at navigating through life. When this happens, your course is just being re-routed, not lost.

It's not about denying what's happening, it's about implementing a positive attitude when times are trying, taking responsibility for what's occurring in your life and the choices you make, and knowing it has a direct influence on your happiness and well being.

Don't wait for tomorrow to develop a mind set that enhances your life; you can start right now no matter what your circumstances are.

Remember, your attitude can impact your life.

Find out how the Insight Technique will assist you in gaining insights into how your attitude plays a part in the role in your life.

About The Author
Kimberley Cohen is the Founder, Facilitator and Personal Insight Coach of The Insight Technique. She founded the Insight Technique - Your Insight to genuine Happiness, Purpose and Prosperity to assist herself and others in transforming limiting mindsets.

Soar through the limiting beliefs holding you back and experience the freedom of unlimited possibilities.

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Saturday, 26 July 2014

Getting the Important Things Done

By Harold Taylor

By now everyone has heard the standard answer to "How do I get all the important things done?" The pat answer is "Take them off your to do list and schedule time for them in your planner." And most people do accept the fact that "To Do" lists are for the things we intend to do; but scheduled blocks of time in our planner are for the things we are committed to do.

But even scheduling important tasks and activities in our planners as though they were appointments for life-saving surgery does not guarantee they will get done. Because they are not scheduled appointments with the surgeon and they are usually not life-threatening. So when something urgent pops out of nowhere demanding our time, that important goal-related activity frequently gets delayed.

There are no guarantees in life. And there is no panacea for ensuring that the important things get done first. After all, we are only human. Regardless of what time management experts may tell you, we all struggle with procrastination to varying degrees. At times we all fall victim to the tyranny of the urgent. And in my 35 years as a time management consultant, I have never met a person with the degree of commitment, focus, self-discipline and cool self-centeredness necessary to ignore the pleas of someone requesting their time. And I hope I never do.

The truth of the matter is that people are more important than projects, and relationships are more important than deadlines.

But there are things you can do, after you have scheduled the priorities in your planner, that will increase the odds of getting them done. Here are a few strategies that I have found helpful.

Schedule priorities early in the day. The demands on your time usually increase as the day progresses. If you are a "lark" or "early bird" and your energy level is at its peak early in the day, this habit is a plus. Choose times when distractions are at a minimum. Similarly, schedule the most important tasks early in the week. The week tends to get busier as it progresses.

Schedule the priorities in ink. If you use a paper planner, that is. There is something tentative about penciled in appointments. And there is nothing concrete about electronic notations either. Do what works for you; but don't make your scheduled commitments too easy to change.

Do first things first. You have already scheduled your priorities in your planner and it's important that you work on these before looking for more. Ignore your in-basket, e-mail, voice mail messages and text messages until after your first scheduled activity. The rest of the day may not go according to schedule; but in most cases you can at least start the day off right. Even one hour per day on the priorities is more valuable than five hours per day on routine and trivial tasks.

Respect your own time. If you would not cancel an appointment with someone else at the last minute out of respect for them, then give yourself the same consideration. Stick to those appointments with yourself wherever possible. Have as much respect for your own time as you have for others. Resist the urge to delay your own projects simply because they can be delayed.

When your schedule appointments with yourself to complete a task, always schedule more time than you think the task will take. Regardless of your self-disciplined nature and your ability to focus, there will be interruptions whether they are in the form of people, mental blocks or other ideas popping into your mind. Allowing time for these contingencies will relieve stress and keep you on target. My general rule is to allow 50 percent more time than I think the task will take. Or in the case of an ongoing project, such as writing a book, 50% more time than I would have to spend in order to keep on target.

Regardless of how well you plan, things seldom go the way you anticipate. That's okay. You'll be a lot more productive than if you didn't plan at all, and simply relied on "To Do" lists. Just as a manager is an exceptional decision-maker if he or she is right 80% of the time, so is a person an exceptional time manager if 80% of the day goes according to plan.

About The Author
Harold Taylor's website

Harold Taylor has been speaking, writing and conducting training programs on the topic of effective time management for over 30 years. He has written 16 books, including the Canadian bestseller, Making Time Work For You. He has developed over 50 time management products that have sold in 38 countries around the world.

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