The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion

Kristin Neff is a self compassion evangelist and she loves spreading the good word about self compassion. She has devoted the last 10 years of her research career to studying the mental health benefits of compassion and more recently she's been working on developing interventions to help people learn to be more compassionate to themselves in their lives. Learn more in this 19 minute video.

Compassion in the Modern World

A Personal Fairy Tale

By: James Kyle

Once upon a time in a country far far away, there was once a new born baby tree. The infant tree cherished the newness and richness of life. A life full of first time experiences. He delighted in the refreshing sensation of sap rising through his veins, the rustling tingle of a breeze in his branches, and, most of all, the crackling of his leaves as they reached up to catch the nurturing sun. Every morning he thanked the sun for his nurturing love. The tree, caressed by the sunbeams, lived each moment of the day in a spirit of joy. At night, when he went to sleep, he knew his dependable friend would show up the next morning ready to share his infinite gift of light once more. Many days and nights passed. The tree continued to be very very happy. 

One morning, however, the tree woke up in the middle of a dream. He had been dreaming that his friend, the sun, had abandoned him. The tree, shivering at the thought, looked up to greet his friend in the sky. His friend had risen before him as always. But today, he seemed more distant, less available somehow.

More days and nights passed. With each passing day the tree began to fear more and more that the warming comforting rays of the sun could no longer be relied upon. The tree began to feel colder and colder. The tree realized that his terrible dream was coming true. The sun had decided to abandon him.

As the cold season took its grip, he resigned himself to the fact that the once nurturing sun had turned his back on him. His feelings of abandonment turned to despair as his leaves, his beautiful leaves, lost their vibrant color, and, one by one, began to fall off. Time passed. All his leaves were gone. Winter had arrived.

The tree passed the winter mourning his loss.

Eventually the cold season came to an end, and, at last, the sun once more dominated the sky. However it was now a different sun. A sun that could not be trusted. Even when the sun began to shine brightly, the tree knew that betrayal was to be expected. It came as no surprise when, several months later, the sun turned his back on him once more. The tree began to feel very very sorry for himself.

The seasons passed. The tree grew taller. For the first time he noticed, in the valley below, a forest of trees. He looked around the small hill he stood on and suddenly realized how isolated he was. The trees in the valley seemed so alive, their branches swaying in harmony in the breeze. On the ground, squirrels and chipmunks were playing games of endless tag. In the air, birds were singing, and flying back and forward, building nests in their favorite trees. The tree looked at the rocks who were his only companions and sighed. The rocks, who rarely spoke, made no comment. The tree felt very lonely and depressed. He fell ill.

Time passed. The tree felt more and more abandoned. Birds and animals who might have been attracted to the growing tree avoided him all together because he was no fun to be with. All around the tree was a depressing silence.

Never ending silence had replaced never ending joy. How could this have happened? How can I be happy once more? What can I do to end this isolation? The tree lost in his own self pity paid no attention to the world around him. So it was with a start that he realized that someone was standing in front of him. He had not noticed anyone approaching. The wizard, for that’s who he was, began to talk gently to the tree. But the tree, used to his isolation, cowered inside himself not listening at all. The wizard, with compassion and understanding, completed what he had to say, smiled, and moved on.

More seasons came and went. The wizard visited once more. This time the tree was so desperately lonely that he was determined to listen to the wise man. He did so, but could not understand the meaning of his words. The wizard finished with a smile, and some final words of encouragement, and went on his way. The tree was confused and forlorn. He pleaded to the rocks, “Rocks, rocks, what am I to do?” The rocks said nothing at first but then in a quiet deep voice one spoke out, “The wizard is offering you his love. Do not concern yourself with the words, just accept the love and let it grow inside you.” And then there was silence again on the hillside.

But something had changed.

When the wizard came again the tree remembered the rock’s advice and, looking at the wizard, was surprised to see how easy it was to see the love. One only had to look. The wizard stopped talking, but the conversation continued. The tree grew strong inside. Night came and the tree fell asleep.

The next morning the wizard had left. But then again, he hadn’t really gone. The tree realized that a part of the wizard was still alive, inside him. And so it came to pass that the tree stopped looking for others to nurture him.

As each day passed the tree became healthier and healthier. Small buds started forming on his branches which became beautiful fruit that was the tree’s gift to his new friends. Because of course, as the tree once more connected with the joy of life, different animals came to the hill to play, and many birds came to build nests in his branches.

The tree sat on his hill contentedly. He watched the squirrels play games in his shade. He listened to the birds sing beautiful songs. He felt joy as he shared his fruit with his new companions. As he sat in the sun nurturing his new found friends, he looked down at the trees in the valley below and, suddenly, he understood. He realized that, of course, he was part of the forest. But he had been given an extra gift, an extra blessing: he had been given a bit more space to expand and grow.

And it should come as no surprise to you that the wizard, on another journey far far away, chose that moment to stop and smile, before continuing on his way. 

Wrong doing

By: James Kyle

Today I want to consider something that is very wrong indeed ... and that is, our unquestioned everyday belief systems that frame our experience of life … in terms of right and wrong. In fact my suggestion to you is that your life would be substantially and immediately improved if you banish the words right and wrong from your vocabulary, and replace them instead with effective and ineffective. So I can now rephrase my proposition in this form: it is not effective to see life through a filter of right and wrong. Why? Because right and wrong implies judgment, and when we enter into judgment in any form we are disempowering ourselves. 

In the context of our shared objective of increasing personal power, what I want to share with you today is this: judgment is psychologically damaging to the person who is judging -  on many different levels.

Let us start with a very simple and everyday experience. You are driving along cheerfully in your car and all at once another car cuts you up. What is the usual scenario here? Thoughts of how dare he comes to the fore, quickly followed by thoughts of revenge and retribution. Yes, your cheerfulness quickly dissolves  into upset and anger. Why? Because you move into judgment. He did something wrong. Meanwhile this other driver is speeding away contentedly looking forward to a pleasant evening out on the town. My question to you is - who is the judgment harming?  Hint: who is the one with the higher blood pressure? (Oh and in this case I think I can be excused for the use of the term "he").

Or again, you phone up your bank to find out about some unexpected charges on your account statement. After 5 menu selections and ten minutes of insipid music you get through to the customer service person who assures you that the charges are valid. You disagree. She is insistent. You raise your voice slightly to make your point. So does she. Quickly this escalates. One minute later the discussion is a full blown argument. You can now say goodbye to any chance of your point of view getting a dispassionate hearing. You might as well pay those charges my friend. Why? Because you slipped into judgment without even realizing it.

A final example; think of people you were once friendly with and now you have fallen out. I suggest one of two things happened here. You moved into judgment about them or, they moved into judgment about you. Here is a simple rule for you: judgment always creates distance between people. And when you distance yourself from people in your life you are the one that loses out. As someone once said -  judgment is like picking up a burning coal to throw at somebody else.

But how can we move out of judgment? One key I believe is to realize that every choice has a price and a prize. You go to work: you get paid, but you commit to being in an office 8 hours a day. You eat chocolate: it tastes good, but you put on weight. You go to the gym: you get fitter, but you miss out on seeing “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” Every choice that you make has a price and a prize. And every choice that someone else makes has a price and a prize. Usually of course it is prices and prizes. And here is the point: you really do not know what another person’s prices and prizes are for any given action - unless you ask. Snap judgments make no sense whatsoever when you begin to appreciate this. So, effective behavior is to remain neutral and get more information about the causes of the person’s behavior - find out the prices and prizes that led to their response. Next you “evaluate” this information. And evaluation is different from judgment in that you stay in this neutral mode - you choose to not allow emotions to distort your view of the situation. At this point you may indeed decide that the other person’s behavior is unacceptable. You can then consciously choose to deal with this - perhaps by simply presenting your own point of view, perhaps in some cases by disengaging from this person. And if the latter, I think you can appreciate that this would have a completely different energy from ending a relationship in anger and judgment. And the good news is that so very often the reverse happens - when you more fully understand someone else, you, in fact, begin to feel closer to them.  The truth is your way of interacting with life changes dramatically as you move out of judgment and instead adopt an ongoing position of acceptance and compassion.

What about moral judgments? What about murderers and other deviants? Surely I can judge them? Sure, if you want to pay the price of that judgment. A better choice is to ensure that they pay the price for their actions by putting them in prison thus guaranteeing that society is protected from their unacceptable behavior. Once more, no additional judgment is necessary or desirable. The essence of the problem is this. If through judgment you reject someone else, you reject part of who you are, you reject part of your own shadow side, and anything less than full acceptance of all of who you are is psychologically damaging to yourself.

On this note I leave with you some homework if you choose to accept. Given the fact that judgment of others can be so incredibly damaging, what do you think is the consequence of self-judgment? … This is why I think it is crucially important to acknowledge that there are truly no such things as mistakes - only opportunities for learning. At every moment realize - in that moment, you are being the best you possible.