Everybody is crazy - except me

By James Kyle

Many decades ago when I was a psychology student at Glasgow university some fellow students and I would sit on the back row of the lecture theatre for the seminars on "Abnormal Psychology", listening to the descriptions of schizophrenia and paranoid personality disorder and the like, and tick off the symptoms as we did so. A bit like the game we all play theses days when we have a twinge in our left bicep, look up the symptoms on the internet, and convince ourselves we have malignant soft tissue tumors infestating the aforementioned muscle.

However in retrospect, sitting in that class, we were not as misguided as you might think. Here is a thought for you to take in. All of us suffer from some form of mental illness. Yes, all of us. What varies is just how badly our ability to cope with day to day life is affected. So, for example, screaming at your boss because he reminds you of your controlling, judgmental father may not get you forcibly institutionalised, but I would think it would not be very good for your career prospects. And the latter certainly is a good example of having problems functioning in day to day life due to ineffective mental maps. Or, mental illness in other words.

Continuing our theme of awareness from this post, I invite you to consider the work of Albert Ellis who identified 12 common irrational beliefs. Bring your awareness to those that resonate with you in particular as the first and crucial step in rooting out the mental illnesses to which you yourself are particularly prone.

1. The idea that it is a dire necessity for adults to be loved by significant others for almost everything they do ... Instead of their concentrating on their own self-respect, on winning approval for practical purposes, and on loving rather than on being loved. 

2. The idea that certain acts are awful or wicked, and that people who perform such acts should be severely damned ... Instead of the idea that certain acts are self-defeating or antisocial, and that people who perform such acts are behaving stupidly, ignorantly, or neurotically, and would be better helped to change. People's poor behaviors do not make them rotten individuals.

3. The idea that it is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be... Instead of the idea that it is too bad, that we would better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become more satisfactory, and, if that is not possible, we had better temporarily accept and gracefully lump their existence.

4. The idea that human misery is invariably externally caused and is forced on us by outside people and events... Instead of the idea that neurosis is largely caused by the view that we take of unfortunate conditions.

5. The idea that if something is or may be dangerous or fearsome we should be terribly upset and endlessly obsess about it ... Instead of the idea that one would better frankly face it and render it non-dangerous and, when that is not possible, accept the inevitable.

6. The idea that it is easier to avoid than to face life difficulties and self-responsibilities... Instead of the idea that the so-called easy way is usually much harder in the long run.

7. The idea that we absolutely need something other or stronger or greater than ourself on which to rely ... Instead of the idea that it is better to take the risks of thinking and acting less dependently.

8. The idea that we should be thoroughly competent, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects ... Instead of the idea that we would better do rather than always need to do well, and accept ourself as a quite imperfect creature, who has general human limitations and specific fallibilities.

9. The idea that because something once strongly affected our life, it should indefinitely affect it ... Instead of the idea that we can learn from our past experiences but not be overly-attached to or prejudiced by them.

10. The idea that we must have certain and perfect control over things ... Instead of the idea that the world is full of improbability and chance and that we can still enjoy life despite this.

11. The idea that human happiness can be achieved by inertia and inaction ... Instead of the idea that we tend to be happiest when we are vitally absorbed in creative pursuits, or when we are devoting ourselves to people or projects outside ourselves.

12. The idea that we have virtually no control over our emotions and that we cannot help feeling disturbed about things ... Instead of the idea that we have real control over our destructive emotions if we choose to work at changing the “musturbatory” hypotheses which we often employ to create them.

Authenticity - Why people aren't themselves and what that costs them

by: Bella Enahoro

Why should you be yourself? The simple answer is 'because everyone else is taken' - it's both the simple answer and an accurate answer. The important question is 'why are we not ourselves?' What is the pay off for not being ourselves? Ahhh, now we're talking.

To begin with, what would cause us to not want to be ourselves? For some of us, we may have been raised in environments where it was dangerous to be who we are. Even as adults we may be working in environments that demand that we be other than who we are in order to ensure job security. So we conclude, I have to be other than I am to get what I want i.e. love, safety, income etc.

We may have learned to believe 'who I am is not good enough to be loved, guaranteed safety, approved of'. We may have been told 'who you are is not worth treating well'. We may have learned 'who you are is not good enough to meet my standards for 'being good enough'. We may become convinced that we are less than we should be.

When we feel not good enough what happens to our lives? We end up putting things on hold until we feel we 'deserve' by becoming good enough. We spend so much time striving to feel that we're good enough. Have I accomplished enough, am I good looking enough, is my car big/fast/exclusive enough, is my job title high enough, do I have enough awards to be good enough? Exhausting isn't it?

Self worth and authenticity are intrinsically linked. The worth we have in our own eyes, a sense of worth not built on acquisition, job title, appearance, credentials - is the only worth, worth living out of. How many of us realise that we have an intrinsic worth greater than anything on the outside? If we go through life with a sense of being deficient then we are motivated to acquire value - the things that others value in the world then become our aim in life. I may not be good enough in and of myself but look what I've got, becomes our calling card.

Sooner or later, things fall apart, if we're lucky. It can take many forms e.g we can lose everything we spent our whole lives accruing or we meet someone or a situation who places no value on our 'social bling'. We run helter skelter trying to get them to 'see' us as our bling or we go somewhere else. But there's a crack in the tea cup. When it finally breaks open, our break down becomes our breakthrough.

We begin to look for another way. What we've been looking for is a way to feel good about who we are, under all circumstance. We don't always realise it at first since there's much howling in pain and hanging onto fast disappearing 'bling'.

The breakthrough cracks us wide open and everything we've been taught is 'wrong' with us, all the things we've been taught make us 'not good enough' stare us in the face. Excruciating at first but if we stay, refuse to take flight, we can transform. Now begins the re-acquainting ourselves with the 'real' us, all of it.

There are many transformation technologies from journaling, meditation, prayer, walking, to body work, among others. We tend to gravitate towards one that works for us. Soon the pain subsides, loses its edge. We don't feel so raw. Our lives may be in shambles around us but we can stand to be alive and increasingly we can stand to be ourselves. We live in a time of infinite help with wonderful teachers who can assist us in moving out of our debris; emotional, psychological and spiritual.

Not being who we are, may be something we picked up at our beginning but was never a part of our being and we need not continue with it.


Bella Enahoro is the founder of http://www.livewellaudio.com a Motivational company that helps individuals,non-profits and companies improve their lives, build communities, profts and positive impact.

Visit her website for the latest on audiobooks, downloads and articles on self-help, personal growth, professional development and spirituality.

Failure (Part 3)

By: James Kyle

The first tool in reframing our approach to "failure" is awareness. In this context especially awareness of Self talk. Just being aware is a tool? Yes! Consider the rich spiritual tradition of meditation techniques such as Zen mindfullness. This is not trivial - simple awareness practiced with honesty and consistency can in itself transform our lives.

First of all: Be aware of self criticism

Then: Reframe your self talk.

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas Edison

"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction." General Douglas MacArthur

On one level you may think this is playing with words but on another level if you really get this, you start to hold reality a different way in your consciousness - remember we create our own maps of reality which in turn determine our experience of our reality.

The second tool is acceptance, especially self acceptance. Without full self acceptance we move into denial then awareness is not possible. Awareness and acceptance work in harmony together because we also use awareness to move out of self judgment and into deeper levels of acceptance. And yes, this is a choice we all have - we can choose not to be judgmental towards ourselves - the first step is to be aware of the judgment. Realize that at times we put ourselves down in ways we wouldn't dream of doing to anyone else. Instead we can choose to be kind to ourselves. Also learn to see things in perspective - often we laugh about something terrible that happened a year previously - Here’s a thought: why not start laughing right away.

As F. Scott Fitzgerald  said, "Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat."

The third and final tool is to get into the habit of taking stretches out of your comfort zone. For many people public speaking is a big stretch. At first this was certainly true for me. But guess what, I stepped out of my comfort zone and what was challenging became fun - and a useful skill as well. Also in my past, despite serious health problems at the time, I persevered in learning how to scuba dive and was rewarded not only by the experience of diving itself but also increased self respect by not allowing myself to be limited by circumstances. 

Someone once offered me this magic phrase: if you can’t you must. I now apply it in many different ways in my day to day life. In the early days when giving speeches in public I found this challenging. However I choose to see this as a opportunity to grow and learn new skills rather than something to be avoided. What would challenge you? Bungee jumping, rollerblading, sky diving, salsa dancing, art, stand up comedy, acting. I encourage you to learn that it is safe to move out of your comfort zone and as a consequence that it is OK to make mistakes.

The secret to taking stretches like this is to see them as adventures in learning. If we allow ourselves to be a beginner and a learner, then failure transmutes into feedback on our current learning assignment. Then one day it strikes us why don’t I take this attitude to my entire life and see all of my life as a journey of learning. And in this way we come to realize that mistakes and failures are simply the universe’s way of providing us with further learning opportunities - and we see the world through new eyes and all judgment disappears.

I will leave you with this final thought and something to always remember: "A winner loses more often than losers."