Monday, 1 April 2013

Tess' exposé exclusive!!! on little green men


I have soooo much to tell you. You know, life can be very strange. Really, who would have thought that my families’ Irish background would have changed the very course of history. Many of you will have realized that I live in England but my grandfather was all too Irish. So Irish, in fact, that he was descended from a leprechaun. He told me this himself many times. Usually after one of his many visits to the local pub to put away vast quantities of Guinness. This does actually explain why everybody in our family is soooo small. A familial connection with leprechauns, an attraction to the king of stouts and a love of his namesake St Patrick, my granddaddy’s blood really did run green. So many people say I take after him, although I must confess that personally I prefer a Piña Colada to a pint of Guinness - being under age however I do have to admit my sampling rate of either is decidedly low from a statistical point of view. But what the hey, maybe that just means my genes’ cocktail [see what I just did there :) ] is more varied than I thought. Thinking about it, that would also explain why I always wanted to be a pirate as I was growing up. But anyhow, I need to stop pissing bout here and tell you about the literally earth-shattering discovery I made – reaalllly!!! You see, being Irish, for St Patrick’s day I went a couple of weeks ago to the spiritual home of the emerald Isle itself – the New York city parade.

So, before the march started I decided to have a cup of tea to pass the time. Little did I suspect that this would turn out to be the most momentous cup of tea in recorded human history. Momentous? Too bloody right. The fate of our entire world was about to be decided by the fact that I indulged in my national drink. You see, if I had been American I would have had a cup of coffee in that chain shop. And then, of course, nothing could have saved us other than the starship Enterprise mysteriously, accidently falling thorough a time rift warp thingy to coincidentally come back to save our bacon yet one more time. And what would be the odds on that actually happening yet again, again?

Just think about it for a moment. Did you ever wonder why the chain is called “starbucks”? Did you ever consider that there are so many of these stores that they cannot conceivably all be making a profit? Did any of you ever realize that by the law of averages at least one conspiracy theory would turn out to be true? And most important, did you not know, deep inside, that only the presence of sinister unnatural forces could possibly explain the existence of all those strange sounding convoluted hybrid coffee drinks?

So there I was sitting in the corner of Starbucks store number 971024 quietly reading my parade line of march with growing excitement. It was a riveting read. But fortunately for womankind, and  mankind of course, I was having problems focusing that day. I glanced up. At first sight this guy looked like any other customer. But then I noticed the disheveled look, the staring eyes and the nervous tension. This local crudely pushed the previous customer out of the way as he banged down his money onto the counter. “A Mocha Amaretto Frappuccino - and make it a quadruple grande!”, he almost screamed. I am telling you, there was naked undisguised need in his voice. My eyes were drawn to the unfolding scene. And it was then I saw it as the order was being confirmed - the fleeting smile on the server’s face - a cold, evil and soooo INHUMAN smile.

There really was soooo something not right here. I quickly fired up my free wifi and as I browsed their product descriptions page I just knew I was on the right track.

Brazil Ipanema Bourbon tm: Mellow and soft, with hints of cocoa. $10.95 per pound

Colombia Nariño Supremo: Full-bodied with satisfying walnut flavors. Also $10.95 per pound

LightNote Blend ®: Smooth and delicate with a clean finish. (available in whole bean only) $9.95 per pound

The latter, of course, should not be confused with Decaf LightNote Blend ®:  which is, I am sure you are aware, smooth and delicate with a crisp finish.

But most sinister of all, there it was: Mocha Amaretto frappuccino,
“The thing is, you take a sip and think - Mocha. But then a split second later it hits you - this indescribably tasty taste. A taste so good, it makes you want to keep taking sip after sip, trying to figure it out. We call it Mocha Amaretto. You'll just call it yummy”. 

Just read the above and I soooo know you will agree with me that no rational HUMAN being could have come up with such bizarre marketing material. There was obviously some dark devious manipulation going on. But why? I sat, stumped staring at my smartphone - and it was then that I noticed the logo. The small strange shaped body. The surrounding energy field. The face with the large staring eyes. I had seen a similar image before somewhere. And then it hit me … Roswell, Area 51, project blue book. STARbucks. The organization was just soooo obviously the front for a devious alien invasion!!!! UFO sightings and alien abductions just made all too much sense now. And as I sat there and took all this in, it was then I made the big breakthrough - the fact that people had been abducted for sexual experimentation was an ingenious smokescreen. Because of course, after the sex they had all been offered cigarettes and coffee. None of the abductees had mentioned this of course. As intended, they all just talked ad nauseum about the sexual experimentation. But all the time these aliens had really been working out how to enslave the human race - by addicting them to genetically tailored brands of specialty coffee!!!

Now that I knew what I was looking for I quickly skyped my nerdy friend back in the UK and convinced him to hack into Starbuck’s manufacturing control files. He is soooo good with computers and things. He even managed to remove the bloatware from my Huawei Ascend - and if he can do that he can do anything!!! It only took him five minutes to confirm that, as suspected, all the coffee product formulas contained psychotropic mind altering substances. I have to admit he did roll his eyes as he told me this but I know he did that just to fool any eavesdropping alien interceptions. He is soooo smart that way.

So here’s the thing. From now on- whatever you do – do not drink any more cups of coffee. And don’t worry - I have a cunning plan to deal with this alien subterfuge that soooo can’t fail. Now that I know that the Queen and James Bond are buddies I will write a letter to her majesty to get 007 on the case and as we all know he ALWAYS manages to save the world EVERY time. So be assured, everything is going to be all right!!!

In the meantime, if you want my advice, just drink Piña Coladas instead. :)