Happiness First, Then Everything Else

By Steve Pavlina


As regular readers of this blog will know I often include the thoughts of Steve Pavlina in the blog as he invaribaly has insightful views on personal development topics. Continuing on the theme of "How to have a happy life" here, there now follows Steve's wise words on happiness.


If you accept a job, a relationship, or a lifestyle that you merely tolerate — but don’t appreciate — you’re putting other concerns ahead of your own happiness.

Social conditioning may have convinced you that sacrificing your happiness to maintain a certain bank balance, to send timely payments to corporations to which you’re indebted, or to pay for someone else’s needs and expenses is the proper way to live. Perhaps your parents played a role in this conditioning as well, teaching you the importance of being responsible and holding down stable employment.

If you do these things well, then according to this conditioning, you are successful. You’re doing what’s expected of you, and no one could fault you for that.

But sooner or later you’ll come to realize that successfully paying the bills and satisfying other people’s needs, while depriving yourself of a happy life you’re truly passionate about, is no success at all. In fact, it is complete and utter failure.

If you’ve found yourself in this situation, then you’ve terribly misunderstood the game of life.

While you may have been convinced that these duties are important, the truth is that they’re of no particular importance to people with high self-esteem and a positive sense of self-worth. Such people do not care how much money you make, what kind of provider you are, or how long you’ve been married to the same person. They’re much more curious about something else: how you feel about yourself and the path you’re walking.

I have many friends who earn very little money, can’t or won’t hold down stable jobs, and have constantly churning relationship lives. And yet, if they are happy with themselves, I typically find them fascinating and valuable people to have in my life.

I also have friends who’ve been blessed by tremendous financial success, with brilliant, decades-spanning careers and deeply loving, committed relationships. If they too are happy with themselves, I find them just as fascinating and rewarding to connect with.

When, however, I connect with people who are responsibly doing their duty, but who haven’t yet cultivated a life of happiness, I can’t help but notice the sallow desperation in their eyes, the numbness with which they speak, and the damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don’t game of self-deception they play each day. They feel trapped and lost to the point where they label feelings like depression and frustration with words like “fine” and “okay.”

If you find yourself in such a situation, there is a way out, and it begins with finally acknowledging the truth to yourself and diving into the dark places where you think it may lead. Accept your situation as it is, and most importantly, accept how you feel about it. The reality is that the darkness you fear is really nothing to fear at all. Yes, you may face some challenges, but that is how you’ll grow.

Do you love and appreciate your work? Do you love and appreciate your relationships? Do you love and appreciate your lifestyle? What is the truth?

You cannot get unstuck so long as you remain in perpetual denial. No external rescue will appear. But there is indeed a path to freedom, and it lies on the other side of denial and self-deception — on the side of truth and acceptance.

What does happiness look like? Happiness is waking up feeling optimistic and expectant about the day you get to live. Happiness makes it hard to stay in bed once you awaken. A rich day full of new experiences and creative expression awaits you. It is an exciting thing to behold. Happiness is the stillness that exists within energy and movement.

When you are happy, you can still pay your bills on time, but you’ll make better choices about what bills are worth incurring. Some of your current bills and expenses might never have been created, had you been living a happy and inspired life to begin with.

When you are happy, you can still support others if you wish, but this will be done because you truly want to do it, not because you feel obligated to do so.

When you are happy, you can still enjoy a stable career, but you’ll produce significantly more value in less time because happiness inspires creativity and action, and creative action is a wellspring of opportunity — a wellspring which can, if so desired, produce abundant income for you.

Rest assured, your world will not explode simply because you’ve decided to make your own happiness a real priority. More likely, the response from the universe will be akin to a sighing, What took you so long?

When I’ve made decisions that were aligned with my own happiness first, I’ve heard the occasional (sometimes frequent) outcries of those objecting to my choices, but these objections invariably came from those who weren’t happy with their own choices. My decision was a painful reminder of that, and hence I can understand, empathize with, and forgive the momentary insanity on their part — the insanity which presumes that their wallowing in unhappiness could possibly persuade me to join them under any circumstances.

But far worse than the vocal objections of others are the simulated objections that exist only within your mind — the simulated fear of disapproval.

In all honesty which is more important to you: the approval of others, or your own happiness?

If you aren’t happy, you don’t approve of yourself, and hence no one of consequence can approve of you anyway. They will recognize plain as day that your priorities have produced a dismal and wretched failure of a life. If you place approval above your own happiness, you ultimately end up with neither. You’ll be unhappy, and you cannot expect anyone to truly approve of you for that. Whatever approval you do receive will be as fake as the contentment you pretend to harbor.

The approval of others is inconsequential, but if you successfully create a happy life for yourself, you will have your own self-approval, and that is worth something. This self-approval will in turn appear to unlock the approval mechanisms of the universe itself, and it will flood your reality with plenty of validating evidence. When your happiness becomes a true priority, you’ll soon notice a conspiracy of ridiculous abundance, including happy relationships with other happy and attractive people, strong motivation to express yourself creatively, and a lifestyle that yanks you out of bed with a “Wow!”


http://www.stevepavlina.com

How to Get a Good Night’s Sleep

By: J Soland

If you’re one of the many people who find themselves groggy from the lack of restful sleep, it’s time to take some action. Being chronically sleep-deprived is one way to sap your physical energy, not to mention your interpersonal skills and cognitive abilities. There are many ways to banish nightly tossing and turning and finally get some shuteye.

Develop a Routine

Most of us have a set time for rising in the morning, especially if we have to report to work or school, but do you stick to that schedule even on weekends? Is your bedtime consistent or does it vary wildly throughout the week? Establishing a daily routine of waking and sleep at certain times can help your body get into a rhythm, making it easier to get to sleep every night.

Wrap Up Eating and Drinking Hours Before Bedtime

It’s not a good idea to head to bed on an empty stomach, but eating right before turning in is also not the best choice because the digestion process can disturb your rest. Instead of wasting the hours you’ve set aside to sleep, simply eat dinner a little earlier in the day, about three hours before bedtime. As for drinks, if you find yourself getting out of bed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, try cutting off your liquid intake three hours before bed as well. If you generally sleep through the night, however, you might find a cup of herbal tea or milk to be useful for relaxing you before bed.

Cut Back on the Stimulants

As if you didn’t already have enough reasons not to smoke, consider that nicotine might be interfering with your sleep. In fact, ingesting nicotine before bedtime can lead to nightmares! Even if you don’t smoke, you might be tripping your body up by drinking an after-dinner cup of coffee. Caffeine has a powerful effect on the body, and it may not wear off until eight hours after you consume it! That means that if you’re going to bed at 11 p.m., you shouldn’t have any coffee, caffeinated tea, or caffeinated soda after 3 p.m., or you run the risk of being too stimulated to rest properly.

Skip the Nightcap

Alcohol generally makes you sleepy after a few drinks, so for countless years, people have imbibed and drifted off to sleep, unaware that the chemical has a disruptive effect on sleep. Yes, you might feel drowsy when you turn in for the night, but you’ll likely find yourself waking in fits and starts only a few hours later. Such a sleeping pattern reduces your chances for getting restful REM sleep, and you may feel exhausted the next day.

Free Your Mind

Once your head hits the pillow, it should take you no more than 10 to 20 minutes to nod off. If it usually takes you longer than that to get to sleep, stress might be to blame. Is a problem at work keeping you up? Is a family issue causing you to worry when you should be resting? Unfortunately, many of the issues that might prevent you from sleeping can’t be fixed easily, unlike controlling excess noise or light in your room. If there’s too much to fret about to feel at ease about sleeping, just remember that you’ll be in no shape to face tomorrow’s challenges without a good rest tonight. Allow yourself that eight-hour break from your worries. If need be, make a list of all the problems that are keeping you up at night and ways in which you can address them during your waking hours. By promising yourself that you’ll find a solution in the morning, you may be able to take some of the burden off your shoulders and finally relax.



About the Author: John Soland is an experienced writer who has written for a number of notable publications. As a lifestyle expert, Mr. Soland is able to offer advice and insight on a multitude of topics, including those pertaining to health.

Source: www.isnare.com
Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=1855665&ca=Self+Help

The Surprising Science of Happiness

Following on from this post on "How to have a happy life", here is another angle on this topic.

Dan Gilbert: "A recent study -- this almost floors me -- a recent study showing how major life traumas affect people suggests that if it happened over three months ago, with only a few exceptions, it has no impact whatsoever on your happiness"

For more insights into happiness watch this 21 minute video.

Peace of Mind

By: James Kyle

Joan lived in New York.

She held down a job in finance that required intelligence, and was rewarded by a substantial income which enabled her to rent an apartment overlooking Central Park. She should have been happy.

She was attractive and still fairly young and she had the freedom to choose from many devoted men friends. She should have been very happy.

She knew that she lived in the greatest city in the world. She should have been exceedingly happy.

She decided to find out why she was not.


She asked an old family friend for advice. The advice she received was not exactly what she had anticipated. Happiness is secondary was his reply. A more effective goal in life is peace of mind which, once attained, invites happiness into one’s life. Joan considered this and accepting the good advice asked how she could obtain such peace of mind. The old man smiled and suggested that this was always available if one knew where to look, but each person must follow their own path to find it.

A few days later Joan turned up for her appointment with the psychoanalyst another friend had recommended. In business she had learned the effective skill of asking directly for what she wanted. So as soon as she walked in the door she asked her question: “How do I find peace of mind?” The psychoanalyst had heard many requests for help in his time, but he could not help but be impressed by the directness of this question. He reassured her that, of course, this was the major goal of all psychological counseling, and that he would be glad to be of service in helping her achieve this. He explained that the process would entail looking at her life history, starting in the womb, up through the various developmental stages, looking for instances of unfinished business that have produced present day personality maladjustments, focusing in particular on id and superego imbalances, while taking care of projection mechanisms on the way. Joan did not fully understand all of this, but one question naturally did come to mind. “And how long will all this take?”

Joan had decided that she did not want to wait four to five years. She also had reservations about giving up $100,000 in the process. She did decide however that she could afford the time to fly out to California and check out the “New Age’ counselor of her best friend from college, who now lived in LA. The same question was put to the counselor. He explained that over the next six months they could use past life regression to work through Joan’s previous earth manifestations, looking for unmindful actions that had induced karmic burden, and work out how to release this karma over the next few lives. “Any memories of being burned at the stake by the way?”

On the hastily rearranged return flight, in one of life’s synchronicities, Joan found herself sitting next to a priest who was flying back to Rome via New York. She seized the opportunity to get a religious perspective on her current dilemma. The priest claimed, naturally enough, that peace of mind was to be found through the belief in the saving grace of the resurrection of the Lord. Inspired by this example of self sacrifice we must all follow our consciences in leading a good life, and confess any sins that we do make along the way. To be forgiven for one’s sins did seem attractive. However focusing on remembering one’s mistakes each week in order to be cleansed of them did seem a bit counter-productive. To her mind some of the concepts had merit but the implementation would have to undergo a good deal of fine tuning before she would be convinced to apply for membership. And giving up birth control was definitely not an attractive incentive.

Having started on posing this question in a religious framework she decided to follow through on this approach. She had air miles in plenty from her many business trips. So she booked a flight to India and arranged an audience with a famous Indian mystic. She asked her question. The guru, in soothing words, invited her to give up all her worldly possessions and live as a hermit in order to achieve inner holiness.

Joan flew out of Dehli airport, tearing up the fund transfer form that she had declined to sign, preferring to find other means to achieve enlightenment than giving her fortune to the guru’s ashram. Over the next few weeks she flew back and forward across many European and Asian countries trying to find an answer to her question. Many religious representatives gave insightful replies but none came up with the answer that offered Joan the breakthrough she required. Wearily she decided to turn back home. But first she would try one last time. So she arranged for her flight to go back via Japan.

The Zen master sat in quiet meditation as she was shown into his presence. Joan asked for an answer one more time, “How do I find peace of mind?” Silence greeted her question. After a short pause Joan asked again. Once more the Zen priest made no reply. “Do you realize the effort I have put in to have that question answered? The fact that I have traveled back and forward all over the world looking for guidance? I think at least I deserve a response.” The silence continued. Joan could feel her anger build up. “Are you going to answer or not?” Silence. How dare this so called holy man just ignore her? She wanted to blame this old man for the feelings of helplessness that started to well up inside her as she realized that her desire to find an answer was about to be frustrated one final time. The Zen priest continued to sit peacefully, in silence. She continued to get more angry inside. The Zen priest continued to sit peacefully, in silence. She wanted so much to express her rage and frustration, pour it out on this old man, but it was hard to do so when he offered no opposition. Just silence.

And right then, in that moment, she understood.





Image courtesy of Pixomar / FreeDigitalPhotos.net