Saturday, 8 December 2012

USM Soul Mate Encounter(TM) Dating Service

Universal Soul Mates Inc. invites you to join the many millions who have benefited from the USM process that matches YOU with a perfect soul mate. And the first step in finding your soul mate to be? Just answer the following questions then refer to the instructions at the end of the form.

Name:

Age - Physical:         Mental:        Spiritual Wisdom:     
(For Spiritual Wisdom Age all reincarnations should be taken into account. Note also the following modifiers - each self development book read, add 50 years; each self development course completed, add 250 years; each Kung Fu episode watched, subtract 75 years).

Current Karmic burden (to nearest 10 pounds):


Personal Details:

Do you have any inner children? (Please specify age[s] and sex).


Do you partake of regular ecstatic bliss? Approximately how many times per week?


Do you practise regular self-forgiveness? Weekly? Daily? Hourly? More frequently? (If the latter please attach release form from your local mental health hospital).


How often do you live in the now?

All your life 

How often do you focus your attention on the now?

You will have to think about that  Only when you can’t avoid it  Well actually man, the present, past and future are all happening right now  (If option 3 selected attach full history of LSD use).

Describe all past lives: (Note number of times reincarnated as sovereign, martyred etc. etc. Important - underline all unusual past life memories. Underline and italicise description if you actually remember an uneventful life as an insignificant peasant).

What is your relationship to God?

Still looking after all these years  Emergency use only  Hero worship  First name terms  Play the occasional game of scrabble together  Collaborating on joint book project  Drinking buddies 

Please attach photo to form (Note a full colour Kirilian Aura is mandatory. Forms accompanied by normal photographs will be returned. Hand drawn auras using Mickey Mouse colouring crayon sets are not acceptable).

Character Reference: (This section to be completed by your Guardian Angel. References from Spiritual Guides are not an acceptable alternative).


Personal Preferences:

Are you looking for: A soul mate  Multiple mates 

What is most important for you in a relationship? Intimacy  Orgasms  Having a convenient target for projection 

Type of sexual relationship preferred: Physical  Tantric  Ethereal  Astral  Any (I just want some) 

Do you want your new partner to be an issue stacker for you? Yes  Yes 
(Sorry, that was a trick question).

Location: Must be local  Willing to travel  Astral travel only  (Please note that selecting option 2, ‘Willing to travel’, does not qualify you for alien abduction for sexual experimentation - this option is only available to our Gold Card members. If you require more info about this membership option, tick here ).


Submission Procedure:

Utilising our Soul Mate Encounter(TM) service is typically a seven stage process. It is crucially important that you complete each step before reading the details of each subsequent step.

1) Send the completed form to the Soul Mate Encounter(TM) dating service with a $25 registration fee. We will then a) allocate you a personal membership number b) have a good laugh at your answers.
2) The same evening have a pen and notepad at your bed when you retire for the evening. Set a bedtime intention to be open to receiving matching membership numbers for appropriate ideal partners as you are sleeping. Dreams are charged at $1.99 per Dreamtime Minute(TM) . Note down these numbers and corresponding fee.
3) The following evening repeat the same procedure. The intention this time is to receive dream images of these allocated soulmates. The same charges apply.
4) Send in the appropriate fee for steps 2) and 3). Note that as a result of the supreme universal principle of the law of Karmic balance the following steps will only take place once the correct fee is forwarded.
5) Wait for synchronicity to bring these potential partners into your life. This is guaranteed to happen shortly after your fee is received - except when it doesn’t.
6) Discover, belatedly, that the numbers in your dream were actually the winning numbers in that week’s lottery draw.
7) Depending on how naive you are, bring yet another lawsuit against Soul Mate Encounter(TM) Dating Service.