Saturday, 29 December 2012

Tess's Blog

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Hi, my name is Tess which is short for the high priestess. This is my blog. Share my quest to find meaning in the world. 26th of December. Sex before marriage is so wrong. Why is it only me who’s noticed? Apart from 99 million American Evangelicals of course. My top three favourite positions in no particular order: Woman on top, man below and woman below … with woman on top. I will get round to putting them into 1,2, 3 order after my wedding naturally … or civil partnership ceremony. Why are there so many difficult choices in life?

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27th December. Fairies are so real. I know it’s true because my spirit guide told me so - in writing! Why don’t you ask your spirit guide deep meaningful questions like I do? All you have to do is take a pen and hover it over some paper and let the pen write by itself. I did – and it wrote ‘fairies are so real’. So amazing, don’t you think.

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28th December. You so must read “Zen and the Art of Two Thumb Texting”. It’s so cool. Take this quote as an example, “If you know the answer you are asking the wrong question. Enlightenment is knowing you don’t know the answer.” Wow, that’s so profound. I hear you asking, “What does it mean?” And I don’t know the answer. Wait a minute. Does that mean that I ‘m enlightened? I don’t really know if that’s true either. Wow, I think I am on to something here. You know I wouldn’t be surprised to find I am enlightened. I am a high priestess after all. That would be so mega cool. I know, I will do a reader’s poll: Is Tess enlightened: Yes or No?

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29th December. The results from yesterday’s poll: Yes 9%, No 9%, Don’t know 82% - Wow there are so many enlightened people out there. Talking of feedback, some of you spiritually empty, nit-picking sceptics were questioning my way of proving that fairies are so real. Do you really think I would rely ONLY on automatic writing? Obviously I also checked with all of my pendulum dowsing stones. Well, all but the one I bought on holiday in Southern Spain. And I will ask that one too - once I find out how to say ‘fairies’ in Spanish. My top three favourite fairy movies: “Peter Pan”, “Cinderella” and “Gay sex in the 70’s”.

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30th December. Pyramids are so mysterious. Did you know that if you turn a pyramid upside down and put it on the table it will ALWAYS fall down. Now you might think this has something to do with the pointy bit - unlike a dice say - which turned over doesn’t fall down. But it’s not that simple. Even if you don’t turn a pyramid over it still has a pointy bit - but then it doesn’t fall over! Try it for yourself. It’s so cool. What's more, it's a well known fact that if you put a blunt razor blade inside a hollow pyramid it will become sharp again. So awesome. However I do have a slight problem with that one. I don’t think the ancient Egyptians ever used Wilkinson Sword after burner mach 99 razors - so how come they designed pyramids for sharpening razor blades? My top three favourite Egyptian gods: Osiris, Mork and Mindy.

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31st December. I had an implanted alien removed today. It was so cool. Did you know that with all the UFOs flying about these days one in three of us have been taken over by an alien presence. And that's for real. The guy that removed my alien told me these were the official government statistics – kept secret of course so as not to cause mass hysteria. I paid my £50 and my alien was removed. He did a great job – it was so painless. I didn’t feel a thing. It turned out to be Jar Jar, the Jedis’ accomplice from Naboo. Maybe that explains why I have been buying so many reggae records recently! My top three favourite characters from Star Wars: R2D2, the Millennium Falcon and the Death Star.